Holy cow! Today I did a little breathwork session with Sandra Denner. She is hosting a breathwork intensive in June here in Worcester and asked if I wanted to have a little taste of what is going to occur. I agreed and she came to my house today for said taste. She was describing what I was going to do… “Breathe heavy and hard for an hour” is what I thought and then said, “Well, that’s more of a meal than a taste, Sandra!” But I’m open and I laid down on the table and I started breathing the way she showed me.
This, I have to say, is way more intense and profound than any meditating. When I was in labor with my second child, I had my first awakening to my chakras. I felt my subtle self - tingling in my face and hands and feet. I felt so alive and blissed out. I asked the nurse about the tingling sensations and she and the doctor said, “well, if you had an epidural, we’d be worried right now but you are going au natural, so if you don’t mind it, we say go for it.”
Ever since that birth experience with my daughter, I would have these kind of spontaneous awakenings here and there. I couldn’t control them. Sometimes they’d happen while driving and I actually gave up driving for a while because I didn’t want to alarm anyone (mainly my kids.) I just figured this was part of my journey, part of the changes I’ve had in my body since childbirth and more intensely since the age of 35. I tried asking various doctors and people and they all had similar responses. I went to a 2 week shamanic intensive with journeying for 6 hours a day and I journeyed through one of these experiences. I’ll have to write about that later but I’ll just say that I’m getting more and more accepting of these things that happen.
Anyway, I’m on the table and I’m breathing like Sandra demonstrated I should. I start thinking, “I hope the hour goes by fast.” And within minutes I’m feeling the tingling of my whole body. She asks me if any thought is popping up but it’s more just the feelings that I feel. I’m experiencing the whole thing and following my breath. The tingling sensations are getting super strong and intense. My ears are buzzing. I feel like a tuning fork. I feel like I’ve got electrical currents going through my body.
At one point, there are some super stiff parts of my body happening - my hands are super stiff. My knees are super stiff. I’m just breathing through them as these intense feelings of buzzing is going through me. Sandra tells me to “keep breathing, I’m doing great.” These are stuck patterns that I need to breathe out of me. OK, I’ll keep breathing. I’m sort of feeling very similar feelings to when I was giving birth to both my kids. The feeling of intense energy and needs to release, exhale, breathe, moan and whatever else. The stiffness in my hands and feet goes away and I’m breathing again and feeling the buzz buzz buzzing all over. It is a part of me and outside of me. I don’t seem to feel the room or the outside anymore. It’s all seeming to be the same thing.
So I think, “OK, I can roll like this for a while. It’s intense but I feel very alive. I’m giving birth again. I did that for 8 hours, I can do this for an hour.” And then wouldn’t you know it, another wave came over me. This time I saw my skeleton. I felt as if I was being held on my head and neck and it was dark. There was no light that I could see from my eyes, even while shut, I could only see blackness. It was a deep dark fear I was clearly working through. “Keep breathing, you are taking very courageous breaths,” Sandra said. So I’m breathing and I’m breathing and it is heavy and intense and I’m now feeling like I don’t care if it takes hours, I’m going to breath until this dark shit goes away. Now I’m on a mission! So I’m breathing and breathing and I’m focusing on my breath instead of the darkness and the skeleton I see. Wow, this was an amazing trip!
Eventually, I felt like I literally labored through that one. I was definitely reminded of giving birth, except I thankfully don’t remember any dark skeletons during any of my kids’ labors! LOL I can only describe this feeling as being intensely in one’s body, feeling every bit of energy in and around me. It’s really an amazing feeling. So this feeling goes away and I’m left with an even wider open space inside me. Just breathing breathing breathing. I am back to seeing colors even with my eyes shut. I always see colors when I meditate and journey and stuff so this is normal for me. I am feeling very trippy and groovy in all good ways. I have had this feeling many times before, in meditation, etc. It’s a down right amazing feeling. It’s intense for sure. I am still buzz buzz buzzing all in my hands, my ears, my body, my chakras, my feet, my everything. It feels like I’m feeling the energy in the whole of the earth.
Of course I went through another wave, although not as intense, but it was a feeling of being held a bit on my head. This was not an upsetting feeling and I breathed through it and more opening occurred. Now I’m in total bliss out land. I love it here and yet I’m also saying that it must be about time to end. Sure enough, Sandra says, “five more minutes.” So I’m breathing and breathing and breathing and I’m just purely experiencing the feelings of being in me, of being in my body. Thank goodness there wasn’t more visions, I think I had enough sensations for a Monday morning.
So OK, now it was time to relax my breath. I’m slowing down my breath and I’m relaxing. Now my body is shaking like an animal for what felt like 20-30 minutes or so. I just lay there until all the shaking was done. I’m used to the shaking too. It happened after panic attacks a long time ago and I finally got to a place where I just took it to be an animal response to “shake off” a fear. I even read a year or so ago about this as a healthy way to get rid of fears and traumas, so YAY ME for just being ok with it even before I saw it in print. Again, I’m grateful not too many people see it because I’m sure it would worry them. But I’m fine. I always feel quite fine when the shaking off happens. And Sandra was also OK with the shaking off. She said it was normal to have this happen. How nice to be validated.
So that was my breathwork experience this morning! I feel really really good. I’m of course now wondering if I’ll be able to attend the intensive that she’s having in June. I’ll post it up soon so that you and I know the details. :-) I’m really grateful for the experience. It was hella intense but most things worth doing take some effort! Thank you Sandra for coming over today and sharing this with me. It’s quite a phenominal experience.