linda’s holistic health journey

It’s pretty amazing to me how two people that have spent so much time together can have such a disconnect where communication is concerned. Matt and I have been together since 1997. I’ve lived with him for 16 years and it’s pretty darned amazing that we have communication issues. I would have thought that being with someone for so long, we’d really know what each other was saying, both verbally and non-verbally. Not so. What seems to happen most frequently is that we say something and it gets translated in some other way than the original meaning or intention. This is so perplexing.

The work that I am doing is to try to make myself really clear. I’ve been practicing all sorts of ways in which to do that. Most recently has been non-violent communication: to make an observation, state a feeling (using I-statements), state the need that is not being met and make a request - knowing full well that the answer might be “no” but at least the conversation is clear and pointed only to “I” (instead of “you.”) It works well because it keeps the victimization out of the conversation. (ex: “I am so angry because YOU…” or “I am so HURT because YOU…” or even worse: “why can’t you be…” or “what’s wrong/the matter with you?”)

I’m working on some pretty heavy duty stuff with Matt at present and making requests. I’m not saying I’m a pro or master of this NVC thing but I am really speaking honestly and from my own place of experience, observations, needs and requests. It’s amazing how even when this happens, something else gets heard. What is a girl to do? I can’t really do anything for the external stuff - just can keep on changing the weather patterns internally. I used to feel so hurt by not being understood. Now I’m just sad by it. (It’s a big difference to go from being hurt –a.k.a. putting the blame on him for something– to realizing it’s my own sadness that I feel.) I’m sad because I really want to be understood: I want to be heard, valued and validated in my experiences… In this desire to do what I think is best for the situation/for the kids/for me/for Matt, I would like to seen as a person who has a good heart and sees the best in people and in life. When that doesn’t happen, I really get sad and confused as to what went wrong in the translation and then I try harder to be even more clear in the future so that I can be understood better… It can be rather exhausting at times. “Damned if you do, damned if you don’t” - that’s what I mutter to myself after yet another conversation goes awry… I realize that isn’t a very enlightened thing to say… I’m really trying to be understood and I am finding that whether I try with my best words or not, I can’t really change how I am seen, heard or interpreted. I suppose that can be said for communication with anyone, it’s just really difficult at times with Matt… I am sad when I am not understood. I have a clear need to be understood in my requests…

This, too, shall pass. It is not always so fun in the process though. This is where these tools in my tool belt come in handy. In the video I watched for Eckhart Tolle, he talked a bit about guilt. This is what he said:

“Human beings act out of their conditioning. Conditioned by culture, upbringing, to think/feel/behave in certain ways.  When you see how you create suffering for yourself and others, you move out of the conditioning. Don’t equate the conditioned mind with who you are. “I did that therefore I’m bad.” Don’t be the role, be the awareness. Guilt keeps you trapped in a very narrow sense of self. (Human unconsciousness is the narrow sense of self)

“Thought forms that arise, emotion forms that arise are not the awareness. They are the conditioned pattern. Don’t live in that conflict of mind that has a good person telling the other part of self that he/she is bad. Are you present to internal and external reality of now?  The good thought and the bad thought are just thoughts.

“Polarities of good/bad and high/low are in thought patterns. Allow yourself the imperfections. If you fight them, you make them stronger. Don’t look for yourself from any thought that comes into your head. You don’t have to follow every thought when you are aware. The thought drifts out and the awareness remains. Find a spacious relationship with your thoughts.

“Thought is not a problem. Be there as the witness to what goes on inside you and then change happens by itself. The mind will always have good/bad, up/down and you don’t have to act on any of those things. Act from aware presence.

“Awareness is not needy - it doesn’t use a person or situation for an end result. Conditioned mind uses everything and every moment/person as a means to an end. When you act out of awareness you do not want anything. True love does not want anything. It is selfless.”

I’ve experienced a lot of guilt in this relationship and I take responsibility for what I chose to believe as good or bad in myself based on things said and experienced, etc. When I heard Tolle talking about how we live in conflict when we listen to the mind as it says some aspect is good and some is bad about ourselves, it really spoke to me and propels me to move past that. I’m ready to change the record, dance a new dance, sing a new song, etc.

I’m holding myself and Matt in a clear space right now. I pray that from this moment onward, we can move past our filters and translations and get into clear communication, seeing the goodness and the Divine in each other and move past this really difficult spot right now.

This week we are to read Power of Now and watch a video from Eckhart Tolle in order to answer an essay question. I enjoy the weekly lessons with new books and videos because it puts me in a good mindset and very often I’m reminded to step out of my own habits and get “cleaner” in ways of thinking (i.e. getting out of my own way.) I think if I could have one wish, it would be to have more time to fully digest and process each new thing we read and watch for school. But it takes the time that it takes. I certainly will soak in whatever is needed and necessary for now and then can revisit later.

Eckhart Tolle’s video yesterday was good to listen to/watch. It’s funny to me to see how the progression of people that we are studying are seeming to get more complex as we go here. We started with Kornfield who was very simple in how he explained the process of following the body and letting thoughts release. Kabat-Zinn and Tara Brach were next then Pema Chodron and now Eckhart Tolle. The descriptions that Tolle uses to explain the same process of following the breath and noticing the inner body while letting thoughts and emotions dissolve are WAY more complex but essentially he’s saying the same thing as Kornfield. I thought it was probably good to have so many people saying the same thing in different ways so as to appeal to as many folks as possible…

This morning’s meditation was short again. My dogs were barking downstairs and were ready to go for their morning walk so I didn’t want them to bark long, wake up the house and/or have the barks continue/escalate. I got a little meditation in and then after the walk, I sat downstairs while the house was quiet and continued on with mindfulness and feeling what is happening inside and around me. I don’t often get these moments so I savor them when they come… It’s been nice to have these mornings after walking the dogs that are quiet and peaceful…

WOW….

Just as I wrote that sentence above about being grateful for the peaceful mornings, both kids woke up, came into the room and got mad at me because they were expecting to have this week off. They didn’t tell me anything of these plans and I had no way of reading their minds and/or knowing that they had this expectation. It was confusing and frustrating. Then after hearing that they are disappointed to not have this week off, they began asking if they could have next week of instead because that will work better since their public school friends have next week off. WOW again.

I reiterated that I have no way of knowing what their hopes and expectations are unless they tell me. They said that their physics teacher said that they could take the whole week off. I suggested that she probably meant that there’s no physics homework this week because otherwise, she has no authority to dictate or even suggest what homeschooling schedules are for anyone outside her own family.

I reiterated that due to my insanely busy life with work, school, 2 houses, being a landlord, being a manager of business and people plus providing for kids and dogs (as well as trying to fit in taking care of myself along the way) that I require notice to plan for things. Days and weeks fill up quickly and if they want to have time off, I need to hear about what they plan to do with the time and what they need from me to accomplish it. I can do anything, I just need to know about it so I can figure it into the day…

I was able to talk more easily with my son than my daughter. She’s very much a firecracker like I am and we can butt heads some times. If I can describe the scenario, I was sitting writing this, I had 2 dogs on my lap and I was pretty focused on getting my thoughts down for the blog. This is also homework for me so I’m doubly interested in getting this written. There was an almost immediate accusatory bicker fest right in front of me and I wasn’t expecting it. I raised my voice, put up my hands and said that I was not interested in fighting. The bickering continued and I found myself bickering back. I noticed what I was doing and I put my hands over my face and I stopped. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe and continue. The bickering still went on with my daughter even though she had gone to her room. She and I were still bickering and I kept trying to stop myself and breathe. My eyes filled with tears because in the space of nanoseconds, the peaceful moments in my mind turned to story telling and frustration and confusion in my thinking. After a few breaths, my son and I continued the conversation in a much easier way and came up with a plan for next week for them…

Since she was very small, Emily has, on occasion, stormed off into her room to calm herself down after she’s had a tiff with anyone at school or at home and then will come out later to talk and carry on with things. That is what she is doing now. I have let her do this because it was something that I needed as a kid but was not allowed to do. (Lord help me if I walked away from my mother! She would have knocked that door down and then me…) I’m forging a different path with my kids and it’s not always easy and very often I question what is the right thing to do. I’m following my heart and trying to stay present as best as I can.

This morning’s quick change from peace to chaos showed me what all these books write about: that it is the relationships in our lives that give us the best practice to see all the ways that we can practice mindfulness and peacefulness (or how we don’t!) I let myself get hooked into their drama because I was so shocked that it was even happening. (Where did it come from? I got blindsided!) It played into a lot of my old stories. Wow.

Obviously time has passed and I am again focusing on my mind musings here on this blog. There is peace again in the house for the time being. I “shook” off what was and continue on again. And so it goes. This is life - the roller coaster. Ebbs and flows. I can’t change anything that happens externally - I can just change the weather inside my own mind.

This week matt has been away for work. He’ll be away next week, too. This does a lot in my mind, whenever matt has gone away. It gets easier as the years go by, but still I’m acknowledging that there’s still some interesting thoughts and stories that I tell myself about this…

Thoughts: My experience thus far is that I don’t have a solid community of folks here and I don’t have family nearby. I haven’t had that in any place that I’ve lived since I’ve had kids. I’ve tried really hard to have community and this place in VT is better than other places I’ve lived in the past. I’ve worked out quite a lot to have emergency contacts for when the power goes out and there’s computer technical stuff that I can’t do or I need plowing or whatever and that is good. It’s taken me a while to set this up and it helps me to feel like I’ve got things covered. Still, with matt around - even though I know he’s still working each day and away for hours, it’s still nice to know that I can call on him if I need him for something for the kids or the dogs or the house. When he leaves, it has been a struggle in my mind of knowing that I’ve got put to pull myself up by the boot straps and manage all this stuff essentially by myself. (that is a story I tell myself.)

It’s been a good lesson in many things. Mostly I see that I can manage things by myself even if I don’t want to have to do it alone.

More stories: I see the little errant child of my thoughts that wants to have a tantrum and wants to have someone around to be there for me and I also see the impermanence of that.

Thoughts/musings/reflections: The way that this journey has been with me thus far with these kids is that I’m on my own. I can call and ask for help and I can seek support in the way of counselors and friends but I don’t have the network of like-mindedness or anyone who really has my back. I keep hoping to get some space of my own near my family so that I can have that sense of safety of being near friends and family that I know I can count on any time during the day or night. I also seek to still have time to live in VT because it’s like a learning ground for me. I learn a lot here because I have to do things for myself here. Just like in CA when I lived there and just like in MD when I lived there. The difference is that there is something that calls to me in VT to stay for the time being… VT takes me to more edges of myself and while it is incredibly uncomfortable at times, I’m also learning a lot about myself and that is a good thing.

The meditation continues: There have been some mornings this week where the morning meditation has been VERY short. I’m on dog duty in the mornings (have been grateful to matt for doing the morning walks thus far) and so with him not here, I’m still up late writing papers and then getting up early to walk the dogs. I sit for just minutes on some mornings to get centered and clear before their whimpering turns into barks and then I tend to them. I spend whatever moments I can during the day to center myself and focus on mindfulness and the breathing in my belly. Some days I’m fortunately enough to take 1/2 hour for myself of this and other times it’s only minutes. But I’m doing it and each moment I take for myself in this way is valuable. I look forward to getting more than 7 hours of sleep at most a night, too.

There’s lots going on in my world. There always is but lately it has peaked into something really over the top. I’m managing and will continue to do so. I pray for clarity, strength and good health to help me stay on top of things. There’s so many things to manage during the day…

OK, off to finish some homework that is due today… Then the boys come to see Sam, then I’m off to go to the library for/with Emily after we drop the boys off to meet up with their parents. Of course there’s the walking of the dogs, caring for their food needs, the meals for myself and the kids, the snacks, the housework, the desire to care for myself and get some exercise in. Maybe I’ll even have a shower today. This is the typical Sunday, my day off. LOL

there’s going to be a new magazine coming out for new england and I wish it much success. I received a phone call asking if I wanted to place a free ad in their first issue and I was very honored to do this! here is the ad I created. what do you think?

www.vt-fiddle.com

it’s been a roller coaster of life lately. so much going on. my own way of thinking of things also puts me into places that can be utterly pleasant or terrible, depending on how my mind wanders… I had one rough moment yesterday afternoon. I suppose the best way I can put it is that I’m aware of all that I manage and oversee and for some reason, it is feeling like it is too much these days. I am seeking help and support but not really getting it and so something has to give.

I shut off all electronics last night and went to bed at 10 pm. It felt good for me to cease and desist all computer work and mindless FB chatting. In bed, my mind immediately went to a beautiful image of some future place and state that I want to be in. I drifted off into sleep.

In the morning just before awakening, I had a dream about an old boyfriend. One that I hadn’t thought of in years and years. I don’t know why he decided to show up in my dream but my reflection after waking was on the ways in which I gave a bit of myself over to him. I was very immature back then and had not had much relationship experience back then. I was a lot stronger, too, in many ways, and that was also good to reflect on. It turned out to be a very good reflection… I went into a place of meditation after that. Acknowledging the thoughts and reflections and then letting them be. No need to analyze further.

More thoughts and reflections came in and they went about their way, too.

In my rough moments yesterday, I want to acknowledge that I did some tonglen around them, too. There was a moment when the pain I was feeling (emotional pain) was so great that it felt like I couldn’t breathe for a few seconds. I breathed into and out of that space for myself and for countless others that could possibly be feeling that right then, too. I suppose it helped me to do this act for myself and others because that pain was big enough to fool me into thinking I was alone in that thought/feeling.

This morning I made a loose plan for how I wanted the day to go to day. I’m doing all things for me right now. OBLIGATION was the word that kept popping up as the action to avoid in my life from now on. It feels good to make that claim. I also figured on what I was going to eat today since eating has been so strange for me since late January. (No worries on this.) The phrase that popped in to replace obligation was CARING AS A WANT FOR SELF/OTHERS - in other words: CHOICE. It’s a much better place in my heart (with lots of space around it) when I ask myself, “what do I choose to do today?”

This morning I made a kickass slam dunk green smoothie for myself and my kids:

2 bananas
1 orange
1 local small apple
a head of lettuce
local blueberries
rice protein powder
hemp powder
AFA
cacao powder
vitamineral green
cinnamon

I sucked down 3/4 of it and will have the rest later. Since January I have been at a loss for what to eat. Don’t ask me why. I decided today that I will have a smoothie in the morning and a nori wrap this afternoon if I’m hungry. Dinner is always easy to figure out.

So that’s all that’s on my mind thus far. I’m off to see about getting another paper written and posted for school. Thank you to anyone that is reading my thoughts and mind wanderings… all love, Linda

I will begin by saying that I’ve done tonglen practice a little bit before reading about it this week for class. I have also done various types of loving kindness meditations including the ho’oponopono prayer. I recite this prayer, too, almost daily:

May I be well and happy
Free from harm and change
May any obstacle to my spiritual, emotional, or physical well-being be removed
May I reach/be enlightenment in this lifetime.

This was a prayer given to me by my friend Ani when I took Buddhist vows nearly 12 years ago. That prayer starts with me and then moves to my loved ones, then to acquaintances, then to “enemies”, then to anyone/everyone in the world and universe. It can take a LONG time to do the prayer. I hold the person’s face in my mind as I recite the prayer for them. It has helped me to forgive and forget a multitude of things in myself and in others.

I read about tonglen for class this week and described it in a paper I wrote yesterday:

Tonglen is a transformational meditation practice that helps to change the atmosphere in our relationships (with self and all other sentient beings.) Tonglen has four stages: Stage 1 reminds us of any of the five mind training slogans from absolute bodhichitta (i.e. “regard all dharma as dreams;” “examine the nature of unborn insight;” “self-liberation is no antidote;” “rest in the nature of alaya;” and/or “in the post meditation experience, one should remain as a child of illusion;” from Pema Chodron’s “Awakening Compassion” video.) Stage 2 of Tonglen is to breathe in the dark and heavy thoughts/emotions that arise and then breathe out whatever feels cool and light. Stage 3 is to think of whatever unresolved issue is present and alive in oneself and breathe in the dark, heaviness of it and then breathe out something that feels peaceful or helpful in some way. The idea is to open space up in one’s mind and heart in both the darkness and the lightness, which is the nature of the giving/receiving aspects of Tonglen. Stage 4 asks us to universalize this experience by visualizing all being who are sharing this dark experience that we are having in this present moment and breathing out images or thoughts of peace for all; this helps to help us to feel less sense of separation in our darkest moments.

It is a lovely variation on the theme of loving kindness and compassion towards self and others. It seems to help heal suffering in relationships and can be done even for folks that you don’t know. Chodron gave the example of seeing a father speak harshly to a child in a store - she said that the breathing in could be for the anger/frustration the father feels and breathing out of peace for him. Likewise, we could breathe in the pain and humiliation the child feels and breathe out an image of a flower or something that might be of some use to him/her.

I wrote yesterday about the various monkey wrenches in my day. I noticed that what got triggered in me was not only frustration, but self-doubt. I can write a lot about this and tell you the why’s and the how’s of this story but the real meat of it was that I got to a very familiar place of self-doubt that I don’t frankly treat as an old friend. Lately when I experience self-doubt, it is accompanied with low level anxiety. I realize this is because I want to trust my thoughts, words and deeds in this body and in this lifetime. Not doing so, can feel almost crippling. I noticed the thoughts and stories and was really ok to drop them. Still, I had the feelings that were unpleasant - unwanted. I decided to take a few minutes and breathe in the space of self-doubt and accompanied anxiety. I breathed in all its murky twistedness. I fucking hate this feeling and want to resist it with every ounce of my being. But this time, I invited it in. I held it for a few minutes and then breathed out an image of the beach with the ocean waves washing this feeling through and out.

then the fun part began. I breathed in and thought about all the millions of people that might be feeling this same sense of self-doubt and anxiety right at this moment. This really helped to open up space inside me - a space of realization that I’m not alone in this. Probability-wise, there must be quite a number of people who feel this exact thing at this exact moment. Who is to say not? I breathed out images of expansive ocean waves washing this away. It was much easier to do this for others than for myself. I repeated the process because I want to feel the easy kindness I had to send out to others and give it to myself, too.

I’d love feedback on personal experience of these loving-kindness meditations. do you do them? Do you find them helpful? do you have insights into understand that might help me too?

thank you.

the day started out fine enough. I got a decent amount of sleep, got up and meditated, walked the dogs, fed the dogs, fed myself. I felt in a good place - grounded. I started listening to an audio file for school about tonglen and the lojong mind/heart training. This put me into a great state of mind. I love learning this stuff. It resonates to my cells, blood and bone. I’m listening and saying, “Yes! This is good!” and I swear I’m enjoying the whole day. I take a break, walk the dogs, feed them their green mush and go back to work. Sam’s friends come over, Emily is doing her thing. The dogs are on my lap and life, she is good.

time rolls by and I’m just pleasantly plugging along. I think I have all kinds of time to write papers and take care of things that need to be taken care of. I had two very nice phone calls and emails that came in, too, which delighted me to no end (relating to work stuff… more on that later…) then the monkey wrench came. my sweet little peaceful world started to get a little shitty, to be very honest… and why shouldn’t it? there’s ebbs and flows to the day. that is what is natural.

the three boys and Emily were playing outside and the dogs were jealous or curious or something. They kept barking every time they saw the kids. There would be peaceful moments and then crazy barking out of the blue. turned into every sound or sight was freaking them out. I kept jumping out of my skin each time it happened. (I think the dogs and I are part cat - we can be so highly strung at times.) I swear this must have happened about a dozen times in the span of an hour and each time I breathed and relaxed, it seemed to happen again.

but that was really nothing. it was annoying but whatever. the dogs are just being dogs. they calmed down pretty quickly when I called their names. the real monkey wrench was my son telling me that BY THE WAY, I was supposed to drive the boys home, 1/2 hour drive each way. My brain went into some kind of overdrive, trying to figure out the rest of the day and how it would all work if I’m supposed to take these boys home. When? Where? What about the dogs? What about my papers? What about my chores? What about my intention of doing some yoga? I spoke in a very frustrated tone telling my son that I really want to have clear communication with him, that this would not be a big deal if I just knew about it long enough to figure on a plan for my day. I tried to cram all the things I wanted to do in a short time just so that I could get the kids home and get some things done for myself.

thankfully, the boys’ mom called and said she could pick them up at X time. I was instantly relieved. I hold a lot in my day. I manage a bunch of abundance very well. I also know when I have too much on my plate and lately I have had too much on my plate. I’ve got 2 weeks here of doing the solo parenting thing plus managing school, houses, businesses, work, parenting, etc and so forth. I should stop listing these things because it doesn’t really help to do so…

mindfully, I was trying to remember what I JUST learned on the videos about tonglen and awakening bodhichitta and all this good stuff on the ego being like a room that we love to be in and how difficult the outside feels in comparison, so we never leave it, thus creating a kind of prison for ourselves. I had this monkey wrench in some tiny part of my day and I watched how badly I handled it. I suppose I did some good by stating some things clearly and setting up some kind of boundaries. This is good. However, I somehow managed to feel badly afterwards. I felt for my son who was trying to have a fun day with friends. I felt a bit on edge from the dogs barking at random things. It was difficult to get back from this triggered place, but I eventually did.

I ended up doing some yoga and it was very good. It helped to bring me back to my body and that was very necessary. I had an experience of distrust inside myself and I’ll write about that in a bit. Right now I really want to say my gratefuls and put this day to bed.

this is the part when I try to be very gentle with what is going on inside me. simple request but not always easy. I’m grateful for this practice…

good night.

well it was a restorative weekend for me. time to relax, rest, and be with friends (just a little bit) is always good medicine. I spoke with some friends over the weekend, too, and that always feels good.

still sitting in the mornings. still having moments of loveliness and other moments of thoughts of all kinds. it is what it is.

today I had some moments where old habits were kicking in. I took matt to the airport and noticed the old stories coming in my head about him going. it’s very old and tired and SO doesn’t serve me. I took a deep breath in and out and allowed for all the feelings come in. “I accept this, too.”

there really is something to this. I’m grateful for this little tool in my tool belt. it’s not like the feelings dissolved immediately, but they did dissolve. it was more like there was no place for the stories to land. no audience to give the stories so the feelings just were felt and then they went away. what a gift. I have to be honest, these things are so old that I cringed at first when they showed up. I didn’t want to even go there for a second and my first thoughts were that this was going to last so long and was going to ruin my evening. I remembered to bow to this and like I said, it went away.

the best part: I had a really great evening. I felt stoked about this time with my kids and with friends and with the universe. I haven’t felt that in a long time. Even that feeling went away and that was ok too!

I’m off to sleep. nighty night. <3

perhaps the meaning of life can wait until after tax season…

I haven’t written in a couple days because life is just so busy. It’s friday and again, I’m hit with a sense of exhaustion. It doesn’t help to get 5 hours of sleep on wednesday nights and then try and play catch up on thursday night…

I’m still sitting each and every morning. It is helping me to notice a whole lot during the day. There is a lot going on in my world. I have relationship issues that I’m working on, I have a wholesale business, online business and I’m trying to figure out what to do with the physical storefront. In the past week I’ve had landlord issues (me being the “landlord”) and we had a repair that was needed at the cafe. My kids are both home daily and so there is the parenting things that come up every few minutes. It seems I am the Chief, Cook and Bottle Washer in just about every aspect of my life. I’m also homeschooling the kids so there’s much to be done to make sure that they are doing what they say they are doing. I manage two houses and just had a buying club order come in that I had to sort and get invoices out for. I also am very behind on things like laundry and housecleaning. I’m seeking help and am delegating work and I’m learning to let go of a lot although I must say that I really have a problem with piles of things. Right now there are piles of clean clothes on the one chair that the kids folded but didn’t put away. I’m also taking 2 classes this semester and am writing 5 papers a week plus reading/responding to about 10 papers a week. I receive about 100-200 emails a day that need to get filtered out and some need responding to. I have an office manager that I have to make sure she knows what to do each day that she is here. Questions from customers, phone calls to make and/or respond to. Errands to make on the behalf of myself, matt and the kids. I am making appointments for routine exams that happen this time of year and also trying to make sure that I am eating 2-3 meals a day, exercising and taking care of myself. To say that I am walking around in a low-level state of anxiousness about the next thing on the TO DO list is an understatement.

Still, I am utilizing this mindfulness meditation that I do each morning. It’s at times as though my thoughts become an errant child and I need to put her straight.

Today I went to get a massage. My body has been tense. I don’t have much touch in the day. I hug my kids and I pet my dogs but not a whole lot is reciprocal… I mean, my dogs aren’t scritching my back telling me what a good girl I am. (Although they are so unconditionally loving and attentive in other dog ways that are really nice.) Needless-to-say, the massage was welcomed. My muscles are pretty darn tight and it was a good release to do this. It’s time to schedule more of massage appointments, too.

Now if there is just enough time to do the WANT TO’s plus HAVE TO’s…

I’ve been having some lovely things happen outside of the meditation pillow. Mostly, I’m just able to stop the dialogue, drama and stories a whole lot faster and bring my attention back to the present moment. I’m also kind of experiencing less worry for various things in the day. I think it is interesting that I’ve been feeling so tired the past couple weeks. I normally always feel good and up and I keep plowing through things. I haven’t been eating as many greens the past couple of weeks and I’ll experiment with that to see if it has relevance. But I don’t really mind being tired. I don’t mind my body telling me that enough is enough for now and it’s time to stop and relax. I’ve been napping a lot and that is not me either. But I recognize that there’s a lot on my plate - many decisions are being made and I trust the process of this as well as my life.

I’m off to take a bath. This post is really a dumping of my thoughts and various feelings. Forgive me for not being more eloquent.