This week matt has been away for work. He’ll be away next week, too. This does a lot in my mind, whenever matt has gone away. It gets easier as the years go by, but still I’m acknowledging that there’s still some interesting thoughts and stories that I tell myself about this…
Thoughts: My experience thus far is that I don’t have a solid community of folks here and I don’t have family nearby. I haven’t had that in any place that I’ve lived since I’ve had kids. I’ve tried really hard to have community and this place in VT is better than other places I’ve lived in the past. I’ve worked out quite a lot to have emergency contacts for when the power goes out and there’s computer technical stuff that I can’t do or I need plowing or whatever and that is good. It’s taken me a while to set this up and it helps me to feel like I’ve got things covered. Still, with matt around – even though I know he’s still working each day and away for hours, it’s still nice to know that I can call on him if I need him for something for the kids or the dogs or the house. When he leaves, it has been a struggle in my mind of knowing that I’ve got put to pull myself up by the boot straps and manage all this stuff essentially by myself. (that is a story I tell myself.)
It’s been a good lesson in many things. Mostly I see that I can manage things by myself even if I don’t want to have to do it alone.
More stories: I see the little errant child of my thoughts that wants to have a tantrum and wants to have someone around to be there for me and I also see the impermanence of that.
Thoughts/musings/reflections: The way that this journey has been with me thus far with these kids is that I’m on my own. I can call and ask for help and I can seek support in the way of counselors and friends but I don’t have the network of like-mindedness or anyone who really has my back. I keep hoping to get some space of my own near my family so that I can have that sense of safety of being near friends and family that I know I can count on any time during the day or night. I also seek to still have time to live in VT because it’s like a learning ground for me. I learn a lot here because I have to do things for myself here. Just like in CA when I lived there and just like in MD when I lived there. The difference is that there is something that calls to me in VT to stay for the time being… VT takes me to more edges of myself and while it is incredibly uncomfortable at times, I’m also learning a lot about myself and that is a good thing.
The meditation continues: There have been some mornings this week where the morning meditation has been VERY short. I’m on dog duty in the mornings (have been grateful to matt for doing the morning walks thus far) and so with him not here, I’m still up late writing papers and then getting up early to walk the dogs. I sit for just minutes on some mornings to get centered and clear before their whimpering turns into barks and then I tend to them. I spend whatever moments I can during the day to center myself and focus on mindfulness and the breathing in my belly. Some days I’m fortunately enough to take 1/2 hour for myself of this and other times it’s only minutes. But I’m doing it and each moment I take for myself in this way is valuable. I look forward to getting more than 7 hours of sleep at most a night, too.
There’s lots going on in my world. There always is but lately it has peaked into something really over the top. I’m managing and will continue to do so. I pray for clarity, strength and good health to help me stay on top of things. There’s so many things to manage during the day…
OK, off to finish some homework that is due today… Then the boys come to see Sam, then I’m off to go to the library for/with Emily after we drop the boys off to meet up with their parents. Of course there’s the walking of the dogs, caring for their food needs, the meals for myself and the kids, the snacks, the housework, the desire to care for myself and get some exercise in. Maybe I’ll even have a shower today. This is the typical Sunday, my day off. LOL