a full day, with lots of ups and downs...

I woke up around 8 am and had a pretty decent amount of sleep. (I typically wish for 1/2 hour to 1 hour more though.) I peed and then went back to do some sitting. I once again had that lovely feeling of deep relaxation in my stomach. AAAAH, that is such a nice feeling and I try to sit with that for as long as humanly possible. :-) I just kept breathing and relaxing more and more. It was like an unwinding or releasing kind of relaxation - VERY delicious. After about 40-45 minutes, I ended the sitting practice and said my intentions for the day. I didn't really want to move though, I have to be honest. I was enjoying the peace and quiet very much! I got up anyway and started my day. I informed the kids that I was going to be interviewed for an online radio show and asked them for cooperation, particularly a little bit before and during the show. I wanted to get centered around the questions she gave me. WELL, as life would have it, the kids decided to bicker and argue over a pillow about 10 minutes prior to my phoning in. It went ON and ON and I asked them to stop and reminded them about my request to have cooperation prior to this call. One of the kids said something - I don't remember now what it was - and it was clear they were just trying to keep fighting for fighting's sake. I felt my blood start to boil, to be honest and I left the room. I sat down in my seat and I took a deep, cleansing breath. I let it out slowly and then took another deep cleansing breath. "I'm more than this anger right now." I focused on my breath and then noticed very quickly that I relaxed and was fine again. Thank goodness. Time to phone in to the radio show with Ariel Policano - she was very easy to talk to and I enjoyed the interview quite a lot. Here's a link to it! We spoke for somewhere around 30 or so minutes. I listened to her talk about B12 and was grateful for her good information and tips. Then she got to introducing me and I heard her saying things about being an inspiration. I wasn't expecting this and I noticed my heart started to pound. "Am I an inspiration?" I don't see that and it's mostly because I'm very much in the muck of daily life. There's a lot of shit to do and bear and sometimes I live in a house full of grumpolas (sometimes I'm the grumpola.) Anyway, I noticed what she was saying and I breathed into it and said to myself, "I'm more than these words," because I didn't want to get stuck in that thought or possible expectation of myself. I reminded myself to just speak from my heart and I noticed the first couple of sentences were full of nerves and then things just smoothed right out. My kids ended up listening to the interview and they were very sweet with "GOOD JOB, MOM!" afterwards. That was nice. I decided to take a hot shower because I was pretty chilly in the room I was in for the phone call and plus washing off the excitement and nerves felt like a good idea. I savored the hot water and soapy bubbles. I lathered up in oil afterwards and put some ointment on my tattoo. Ah, content is a gift and I am grateful for it... I always think of Kornfield's book so aptly named "After the Ecstacy, the Laundry." And sure enough I did a load of laundry after my shower. Bliss done! Talking with a like-minded person was such a gift and a blessing. Check! Done! Time to go downstairs and apparently await my daughter's next melt down. This is why it is good to not get stuck on too much good or bad, folks! My daughter came tromping in the house with a dog in her arms. She was angry at the dog and then she was angry at me. I asked her to follow through with walking the dog and she was telling me all the reasons that I was mistaken, why this was the worst idea in the history of bad ideas... I refused to argue with her and that seemed to fuel her fire more. She was again wanting to fight for the sake of fighting. I told her if she kept this up I was going to leave because I don't want to have anything to do with a fight. She continued and I left and went to the shop. I walked over there and this is where meditation and mindfulness becomes the hardest for me. I walk and try to distance myself from her anger and angst. She was having a melt down and I couldn't understand why other than her hormones were acting up. I told her I understood how frustrating it is when the dogs don't pee first thing and one of the dogs we have takes a long time to pee sometimes. He's looking for an adventure. But the truth of the matter was, he still needed to pee. She was upset because it was cold and all she has was PJs to wear and this just wasn't worth a battle to me. In my head I said the more "adult" version of what I said to her at home. "Just get your jammies on - get snow pants on - get yesterday's clothes on. I don't really care what you wear and NOBODY where we live in this town of 1000 people give a flying fuck what anybody is wearing! EVER! Just walk the damn dog!" This is the thought that went through my head. I was reliving it because I was trying to see what the hell just happened here. (For her, I remained really calm and said that the dog's health is more important than the idea that someone MIGHT have a problem with what she's wearing and then I repeated my request to get anything on and finish what she started by walking the dog until he pees and/or poops. When she started going ballistic is when I warned her that I would not engage in this kind of talk and that I was going to leave if it continued...) Anyway, see? I'm still digressing into this. It's still upsetting to me because I don't understand it and I desperately seek to understand and connect with people, particularly at the heart center. I walked to work and I did what I set out to do. It was fun and I chatted with Meg some about X Files and the interview and other fun stuff. I went back home and ate something of substance since I hadn't done that really all day. (Wasn't very hungry and find that when there's big emotions, I tend not to be. This is a rather new phenomenon for me.) So came back - went onto the GCU site and became mildly overwhelmed at the amount of feedback and unread posts. We have 6 assignments due this first week of classes. And then we have to respond to a minimum of 2 posts that other people write. I tend to want to respond to more than the minimum (that's just how I roll) and so I'll just say that it takes a LONG damn time to filter through and read everything. And then to respond to the feedback given. The homework never ends, I swear! lol I'm trying to get my head in gear for next week and geting papers written and this feedback stuff is at times really really difficult... SO in comes the deep breaths as I roll my eyes and change my attitude about feedback... And then it's not so bad. More mindfulness to spread throughout my day. YAY Two hours later, I'm in the kitchen and making dinner for the dogs and for us humans. I chat with Matt about certain things that we are trying to figure out and it is a conversation that typically has caused some friction in the past. Again, I'm breathing and I'm noticing how charged I am and I'm telling myself that there is more than just these words and feelings in both of us. Breathing, reminding myself that I can relax even in this. I accept this too in my life and watch it pass. The night, it seemed, wouldn't have been full enough without another bicker fest between my kids. I tried to practice the breathing and the mindfulness and I'm honest when I say that I met my match for the day. I was done with the difficult shit for the night and yet the night seemed to have different plans. Emily stomped off in tears upstairs and Sam and I sat in a quasi-shock trying to figure out what just happened again. (I write all this knowing full well that she's not even a full-fledged hormonal teenager yet. Believe me, I know I'm in for it. I believe in karma and I was a royal handful as a teenager... My dad is sooooo happy for this revenge. lol) I decided it was time to put this stress and confusion to something physical. I got on the stationary bike and chose level 9 for 60 minute on the pikes peak program. I thought I would do some reading but could NOT stay focused. I probably didn't need to. I just kept pedaling away watching my thoughts and seeing how awful they had become. My friend calls it the "itty bitty shitty committee." I eventually just got into pedaling and then my dog wanted to get up in my arms so there I was pedaling my heart out while holding my little dog. One hour of heart pumping, deep breathing and pedaling my legs faster up this incline. Very nice. I'm grateful again for the ability to watch things dissolve. And that, my friends, is the long and full day with buckets of ups and downs. I'm very much ready for bed. Good night. xoxo, Linda